So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
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