Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it