How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
