It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure