ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
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I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
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Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.