I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
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I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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