Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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