So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
