I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
