R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
