I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
