you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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