I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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