the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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