Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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