Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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