I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
