I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.