you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
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I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
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No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize