I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
