I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
