4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
