I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
