which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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