Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
