remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
