My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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