I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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