I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
