how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
