you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
