this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
