Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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