Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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