Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
