what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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