My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
