If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
