Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
