dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
