I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
