Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize