people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
