I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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