So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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