sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You may now shotgun with the bride
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
