I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
