I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
