Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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