The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I just forgot I was standing up.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
