Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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