Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
