fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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