hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
