Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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