Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
