there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
