I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
