So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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