I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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