the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
