Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
