she woke up with a sticky ear
we made out on top of his cat.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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