just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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