I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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